Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
