i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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