I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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