Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
