New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
