I should be sponsored by Trojan
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This is my gift to your gina
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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