i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
