I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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