I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
