we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
