Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
