im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
