So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
