just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
