dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
