I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
