I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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