i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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