remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
