Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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