Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
