Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
