the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
