The maid of honor just puked.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
