My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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