You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
