Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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