Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
