Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
