Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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