dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
