I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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