i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
