shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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