I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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