Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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