Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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