Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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