Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
