I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
