I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize