then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
