Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
