there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
