You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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