nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm determined to sit on that face.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
