she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
sarcasm needs its own font
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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