he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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