I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
