I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
