I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
