the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize