She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
