It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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