My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
