remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
