my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
