your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
