he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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