My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
